My mood weblog

Steve and I talked this through later on, and I thought it might help to share that with you – it sorted out all those jumbled thoughts in my head. Hope I’ve remembered this right……

I’d thought maybe I shouldn’t even be thinking about a cig as an option. What really bothered me was the fact that a cig had even come to mind as one of the options to deal with what was going on. IDIDN’T actually want to smoke, it was that extra heavy `need to respond’, maybe, that had brought it to mind. This wasn’t the normal day to day stuff where the new and more appropriate responses kick in automatically. I didn’t have a tool to use to deal with this new situation, so maybe it was inevitable it would happen.

What I understand from this and talking it through with Steve is that it really is `ok’ to think about cigs and is to be expected. Eventually there won’t be any more nicotine associations, but at this stage, months (and for others days and weeks) into a quit, it is going to happen. The important thing is to be aware of the options and choose responsibly.

Hope all of you have a great Thanksgiving – we don’t celebrate it here in the UK but it sounds a wonderful time. Steve tells me he’ll be in a house full of women (around 6 Steve?) including mum and daughters. I suggested he wouldn’t get a word in edgeways – he said he would, the problem was that no-one would be listening to a word he said )

It’s Friday 4pm and I’m just home from work. I’ve drunk a cup of tea and
eaten 1/2 a packet of biscuits (seems to be a new habit I’ve started).

I work in a primary school and we have just finished for 1/2 term, that
means I have 9 days (weekends included) to get through before I can go
back to work. Back to the one place that I have never smoked at during
the day,and so have found a’sanctuary’ the past couple of weeks.

Was talking to my friends today about being ‘positive’ and have decided
that one of the reasons I find it hard to be positive about packing in
smoking is that I spend all day at work with the kids being positive!
What ever they do, good, bad or evil we always have to be positive then
point out (in a positive way) more appropriate skills or behavior!
Having spent all my day doing this and controlling my temper and mouth,
when I come home I Just want to say what I think and haven’t got the
strength to look at everything positively.

There are going to be times when we feel lousy. There may likely be
entire days that feel lousy. One of the priorities in a cognitive quit is
being aware of what we’re feeling in a particular moment. That awareness
will often include definitions of just what the lousy feelings are. If some
of those definitions are in the form of a rant, go for it.

Situations where I am angry are the hardest for me. In the past things went pretty much how you described: A–I am really angry and I need to calm down. If I don’t I wlll say things I will be sorry for later. B— A smoke will calm me down and give me time to think this through. C—I want to smoke. Now A of course is the same. B–is not usually a thought to smoke anymore although that will happen occasionally. I usually try deep breaths or removing myself from the situation for a few minutes so my C is usually getting away for a few minutes. The problem is that my B’s don’t seem to be very effective because I usually end up opening my mouth and saying what I know will haunt me later. I don’t know if I am not giving myself enough time to calm down or if I need to do something else instead. It almost feels like I am on the same timetable as I was when I was smoking—I would decide to go smoke.
The nicotine would enter my system quickly, take the edge off the emotion and then I was able to approach the situation and either resolve it or it didn’t bother me as much. Not sure which really happened most frequently. Of course, as I read this, I am thinking that maybe the "think this through" part of my old B isn’t currently happening. Just calming down and not thinking about why I am so angry etc. probably isn’t very effective! I would appreciate any additional thoughts from anyone who has a handle on this one.

2 months after smoking my last cig the huge benefit to me has been
the calmness I feel in any difficult e.g. stressful situation, and in
life in general. The realisation that the cig that I though I needed
to calm me down/focus my thinking etc. actually cranked up my stress
levels and stopped me thinking about things clearly.So, learning about
my smoking behaviour and ways of addressing it has been the key.

My reasons for quitting centred around health and freedom from
addiction, as Steve posted about yesterday.

Health reasons were about wanting breathing, circulation and energy
levels to improve (and they did – very soon after quitting). I was
also fed up of the constant tiredness and headaches which I was
convinced were due to smoking (and within days of quitting I felt
much more awake – and I rarely get headaches these days). Very
tangible benefits like these certainly helped me stay focussed in the
early days and weeks of my quit.

Freedom from addiction. I was also fed up of with being addicted to
smoking – which I learned was not just about physical dependancy on
nicotine. Through cognitive quitting I learned how, during my life as
a smoker, I had connected smoking to just about every event in my
day. With Steve’s guidance I learned how to break those associations,
and put other more valid and appropriate responses in place. At this
point I no longer think of a cig in response to anything that happens
to me. Learning my ABC’s was the key here, and I’m sure Steve will
talk more about this soon.

Other reasons to quit were around feeling isolated in any social/work
group and not liking it – having to stand outside in the cold and
rain to get a fix, while everyone else could relax and enjoy the
conversation e.g. after a meal, at the coffee break etc. My personal
and main reason for quitting was about wanting to get control back of
my life – I was tired of cigs controlling me and how I spent my days.
I remind myself of that constantly.

The first steps toward a solid quit include examining just what it is  that’s happening, just what sensations our bodies are experiencing at the moment that an urge for a cig is noticed. These sensations are also called emotions or feelings. It’s sometimes eaiser to begin by examining strong sensations like anger or hunger. I think most of us can easily conjure up the sensations that might go with anger just by remembering a situation that involved anger. The important elements to focus on are the actual physical manifestations i.e. tension in face, neck, shoulders and abdomen, breathing, and heart rate. The reason I suggest getting adept at recognizing the physical sensations that go with our emotions/conditions is that it’s these very physical sensations that are the items that we observe and then automatically connect to established ‘cures’. It’s these automatic connections that are the root of urges long after we quit. (I differentiate between urges, automatic thoughts, and conscious thoughts.  Conscious thoughts can be, and often are, critical or analytical. They are the fodder for the responses we choose. Automatic thoughts are those that, having been attached to specific events, will cycle through our minds each and every time that event occurs. Urges are the results of automatic thoughts)

If we spend enough time and effort examining what our bodies are telling us, and us that knowledge to create new responses to all the everyday events that were always our triggers, in time we’ll have established new patterns of behaior …new patterns of response. At that point we’re no longer stuck in the "we’ll always get urges/thoughts/desires(for a cigarette) mode".

So, maybe make a list of emotions (happy, sad, angry, bored) and conditions (hot, cold, hungry, tired) that you experience? Then start to define each in terms of the physical experience of it. You’ll be surprised how quickly this all begins to be a part of your thinking and awareness.